Adventures on Tellene - Stirrot Isle
The Red Hand
A half-orc practitioner of the arcane arts
The “Redhand” is hard to ignore.
Shrouded in a perpetual stink, he is an enigmatic figure. Behind his mismatched eyes lies an incomprehensible mind, effecting unpredictable actions, and all this despite the offensively fine garments this half-orc should not be able to afford to wear.
But this is not the real mystery of Redhand.
No, the real the mystery lies not in his demented physicality, in how he gained that horrible hump, which rises from his back to almost above his skull, that has offset one shoulder so that it is a few inches higher than the other. No, it is not in the question of how a half-orc could possibly have half a bald head and half a plantinum-blonde-stylized-wave that hangs, speckled, with lice so big you could swear it was moving.
Nor is it in whether his name EVEN IS “The Red Hand”. Or “Lulu”. Or “Garbanzo The Great”. Or whatever latest concoction this maddening creature has devised and spread; not unlike the farts, spit, sweat and fouler liquids that leak from his thin, short, but disturbingly muscled frame.
It is not in how he has come into ownership of a bloody glaive, a fine leather outfit (nicely embroidered in gold thread), a set of supple boots, an unbelievable pile of swords, torches, daggers, and other random adventuring knick-knacks sufficient equip a small mercenary company- It is not even in what strange, arcane powers this unnaturally intelligent freak of nature possesses, in what foul sorceries could such a base humanoid have access to, I mean how, damn it all, can a half-orc even read…
The mystery stems not from his gleaming eyes, that lie behind a mischievous curtain, a mask of innocent incomprehension, an act surely- not even in the question; does he know? Does the damnable freak know that he does, does he know that we know, does he know that we know he lies, does he do it knowingly, why does he damnably do it, damn it all, IS HE DOING IT ALL ON PURPOSE, WHY?
The mystery is not in his past: Dragonslayer. Troll Killer. Bedder of crocodiles. Hoarder of monies. Not even in how it is he and Lucky Lug have gone so far as to displace even Krom The Barbarian (whom “The Red Hand” claims to have personally cussed out because to hell with living forever?!) How it is “The Thugs” have outlasted, out-delved, and out-smacked so many decent, hardworking, reasonable adventuring parties on Stirrot Isle.
The REAL mystery is:
What, out of all of the above (and all that have not been listed), really makes The Red Hand the biggest, most unlikeable, most uncharismatic asshole you are ever likely to meet? Individually these traits are awful, but he is not particularly foul looking. He does stink, but not to the point that it is physically debilitating. Yet holistically, the Redhand is, in many ways, the perfect asshole. One can spend a painful amount of time trying to pick out the single factor that truly defines Redhand’s unlikeability, just as he picks the lice from his blonde hair, but it is futile, as are any attempts at grooming.
In fact the final trait that cements his uncharismatic nature is that despite all his offensive quirks, physical defects, and unbelievable behavior (all of which can drive a reasonable person to murder), the ultimate annoyance is that should one wish to finally rid Tellene of this impossible half-orc it would be a trial unto itself.
Because The Red Hand is so damn hard to kill. Which makes him king of the bastards.
And when you come at the king, you best not miss.
Q/F: Ornery, Compulsive liar, severely maimed